My best one-liners

1. I was at a mate’s leaving party last night. He’s not quitting his job, he’s just got a really insensitive way of dumping girlfriends.

2. The PE teacher told us to wear cricket gear, but the ball smashed my Buddy Holly glasses.

3. My girlfriend’s at home tonight, baking. So hopefully the police don’t look in the oven and find her.

4. My last girlfriend dumped me because she had a foot-fetish. But my cock’s only 11.5inches.

5. My ex did used to beg me for foot-fetish sex. But whenever she did, I’d just tell her to put a sock in it.

6. My view was that I’d tabled a motion. The company’s view was that I’d shat on a desk.

7. I’ve just had an all-day breakfast. My gran’s got alzheimers and loves to cook.

8. I can remember my gran crying when my granddad went to Heaven. Heaven was the name of his favourite gay bar.

9. My gran’s actually dead now. We let the undertaker handle all the arrangements. It was her final wish. She used to love American wrestling.

10. My granny suffered a seizure yesterday. She’s doing ok, but she’s still pretty pissed off about the police taking the heroin.

11. I was brought up by my dyslexic uncle. It was fine until somebody gave him a book on childcare. After that, every time I was naughty… he spunked my bottom.

12. I got arrested recently, for doing nothing more than shouting out “that keeper is fucking shite!” I remember when you could let off some steam at the zoo.

13. I’d only gone to the zoo because I wanted to watch feeding time. I was asked to leave the mother & baby toilets.

14. Being Scottish, I’m happy to go down on a woman. You know what we’re like, we’ll eat anything with batter on it.

15. Say what you like about paedophiles, but they really sort the men from the boys.

16. Pushed a baguette up my girlfriend. Turned out we weren’t spelling role-play the same way.

17. At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof. (As heard on C4′s Countdown on 22/07/2010)

18. Got through three magazines on the train there. I’d killed a dozen people by the time they got the gun off me.

19. I’m in a dispute with Sky. They want me to pay for my satellite dish, but I’m adamant the salesman told me it would be on the house.

20. This afternoon I just lay back on the couch and had a wank. You should have seen how many notes the psychiatrist was taking.

21. I rang the Virgin Media phonesex line. They just told me to turn myself on. Then off, then on again.

22. Every day I’d switch on Fifteen to One, then turn it off, disappointed it wasn’t the Bukkake I’d hoped for.

23. I was playing this computer game where you had to inject junkies. It was a shoot ‘em up.

24. I knocked out a champion boxer with one punch. I’m still banned from Crufts.

25. Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find Penny’s body.

26. My girlfriend went to to a greenpeace rally on Monday, a Stop the War march on Tuesday, and an End Poverty sit-in on Wednesday. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

27. I enjoy throwing a ball for my dog, but he hates having to put on a dress and dance with people.

28. I was a late developer. Which cost me my job on the photo counter at Boots.

29. Moses used his staff to part the Red Sea. Leading many of them to file a grievance.

30. I set up a psychology practice that went bankrupt. It was good to achieve closure.

31. Wore chainmail to a medieval battle re-enactment. I was told that 2000 letters saying “pass this on or a child will die” wasn’t authentic dress though.

32. I set up a support group for people who fear crowded places, but it was never busy.

33. I tried to make a documentary about people who self-harm, but I was having to make too many cuts.

34. I was a motorbike courier, until I went into the petrol station and they asked me to remove my helmet. My cock bled everywhere.

35. I had sex with one of the cleaners at work. By which I mean I stuck my cock in a bottle of bleach.

36. Kinky Blacksmiths – They have their vices.

37. If the government really want Scottish people to stop using fruit machines – they should make fruit come out of them.

38. I had sex with a geeky girl. Afterwards she shat herself and said “I’m sorry, I always log out at the end of a session.”

39. I tore the BBC3 listings out of the paper and ate them. Bad idea. Keep repeating.

40. My mum’s been getting hot flushes. But she’s changed plumber now.

41. I’ve just bought a sex manual. It’s basic stuff though, entry level.

42. When I had diarrhoea my mate told me to go to WH Smith to get something for it. He told me they sell ring binders.

43. I tried to get my cock elected to parliament just so my girlfriend would have to call it ‘The Honourable member”

44. My Russian visa application was rejected. Looking back on it, where it said occupation – I probably shouldn’t have written “Georgia and Chechnya”.

45. Heard about a new virus that turns you into a polythene bag. Worried I may be a carrier.

46. How much is that doggie in the window? 30 Euros to film and 100 to join in explained the Amsterdam pimp.

47. Girlfriend told me to get wood for the fire. Burnt my cock.

48. Me and my girlfriend got drunk last night and she ended up getting her stomach pumped. I was too drunk to find her vagina.

49. Backstreet abortions are a lot like going shopping. You hand over the money, then somebody asks – “Would you like to keep the coathanger?”

50. I told the court the gospel truth. In the sense that me and my 3 mates all gave slightly differing accounts of what actually happened.

51. I told my mate that a tribe of Caucasian pygmies had been discovered. It was a little white lie.

52. Times change. My nephew got a gold star and got sent to the top of the class. My granddad got one…and got sent to Auschwitz.

53. My girlfriend said she likes her men to be well-groomed. So I got a paedophile to invite me round to see his puppies.

54. I don’t think Jesus would approve of buffets, they’re too self-serving.

55. My girlfriend said she wanted my focus to be on her. So I ran her over in it.

56. My mate bought a device for shredding cheese. He likes it, but I find it grates.

57. At first I wasn’t sure about getting my tattoo done backwards, but on reflection it made sense.

58. I went a bit off the rails when I was younger, but even a bit is enough to lose you a job as a train driver.

59. Positive thinking – I’ve gained a spirit guide. Negative thinking – I’ve murdered a Girl Guide.

60. Derek Acorah’s working in my local bakers now. Handy. Means I can always get a medium sliced loaf.

61. Playing in David Icke’s predictions league. I’ve got Rangers and Man Utd to win at the weekend, & a massive earthquake to destroy Europe.

62. Got my gran a jigsaw for her birthday. Waste of time. Put up no shelves and sliced three of her fingers off.

63. My Grandad collects coupons. He’s a serial killer who slices people’s faces off.

64. If Gary Glitter lives to a hundred, will he be a centipaedo?

65. Alcohol leads to dilated pupils. Quite a clinical way of describing teenage pregnancy.

66. Girlfriend was furious when I came on her tits. Granted, she is an ornithologist and one of the chicks drowned…

67. Mate says he’s just had his confirmation from Ryanair. They’ll be doing baptisms next.

68. Went to see How To Train Your Dragon. Cinema was full of old-school comedians looking for marriage guidance.

69. I used to be in the Black Watch, but I left to join a less racist neighbourhood watch group.

70. Death Before Dishonor. The motto of people who oppose Americanized English.

71. Loan shark told me he’d send a collector after me. Hardly scary. Some old guy with an interest in stamps or bone china?

72. Girlfriend died when she was only halfway through fellating me. It was a bit of a blow.

73. I battered a guy who I saw dealing to my kids. Which did slightly ruin that particular game of Snap.

74. Girlfriend says we’re not getting engaged until she’s got a sparkling ring. Why this fixation with anal bleaching?

75. I was a model pupil. But my career was over when my PE teacher’s camera got confiscated and he was put on the register.

76. Just been to Tourist Information. They told me they’re loud, camera wielding, and never have the right change for the bus.

77. Many Scottish youngsters are now so glass-phobic that when confronted with a bus shelter, they’re bricking it

78. Saw a guy with a dirty mac and thought “paedo”. Though mainly because he was using it to download child porn.

79. When the doctors told me all my nerve endings had been severed, I didn’t know how to feel.

80. Dyslexic ex texted me suggesting I come round for a quickie. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the quiche…

81. Girls aren’t tough enough to eat Yorkies. As proved by my niece’s tears when I ate her pet dog.

82. My girlfriend read that blowjobs would be better if she hummed. 2 weeks without a shower was pushing it though.

83. Someone suggested I wedgie my mate for a laugh. I thought they said “weegie”. I’ve just glassed him.

84. In the 60s, my grandad was a Radio Caroline anchor. In the 70s they let him get on the boat.

85. What I learned on my drug counsellor course: Don’t tell cocaine addicts to look in the mirror and take a deep breath.

86. I hate drug dealers. Bastard sold me Woof Woof instead.

87. When in awkward social situations with people into bestiality, open conversation by saying “I love what you’ve done with your hare”.

88. I tried keeping a diary once. She demanded it back though, along with her underwear, and my keys to her flat.

89. I was never a big fan of casual sex. A Millwall fan in a Ben Sherman shirt holding a flick-knife to your throat as he bums you.

90. Having a damp patch in your trousers can be embarrassing. Particularly when patch is your daughter’s pet rabbit.

91. Got told that “getting lucky” meant “having sex”. They were right. But I might need to take Lucky to the vet, he’s still walking funny.

92. Had trouble using the gears so my instructor recommended an automatic. Suggesting I shoot myself seemed a bit harsh.

93. Had my resolve tested recently. But eventually customs realised it was just a hangover cure and let me go.

94. Met my girlfriend when we were both receiving treatment for knee injuries. We just clicked.

95. Woke up freezing because my girlfriend had stolen the duvet. That’s life with a heroin addict though. It’s more the TV and the laptop that I’m bothered about.

96. I really push the envelope…but that’s life as a stationery salesman.

97. If Australia “seeks skilled migrants” why does it keep turning away the skilled Indonesians who manage to navigate a tin bath to there?

98. Voice coach told my girlfriend to sing from her diaphragm. Difficult enough getting the microphone up there.

99. I’m having to pay a lot of protection money. I suppose I could save a bit if I stopped buying the ribbed ones.

100. I’m an interior decorator. By which I mean I refuse to wear a condom.

101. Got pissed and mounted the pavement on the way home. I wasn’t driving, just horny.

102. Never moon a werewolf.

103. Girl I had sex with last night got annoyed when I called her “dear”. She said her prices are actually very competitive.

104. Someone suggested I get a sweep to clean my chimney. My arm’s aching and the puppet’s ruined.

105. My server’s just gone down. Waitresses really work hard for tips these days.

106. Doing ‘the knowledge’ for my taxi driver training. Have to learn all of that book. Mein Kampf.

107. My grandad was in a sketch on TV once. Or “police artist’s impression”, whatever they call them.

108. I’ve only got a small inferiority complex, yours is much bigger.

109. Girlfriend asked for an eternity ring. Good. Means there’s no rush to buy it.

110. Indian mate had a go at me for not respecting sacred animals. It’s cool though. I don’t have any beef with him.

111. I never meant to fall in love with Abu Hamza… but one night together and I was hooked.

112. Is getting lost on the way to geography class an automatic fail?

113. A robber who stole laxatives from the chemist’s is now on the loose.

114. I’ve been asked if I’m free to do a bit of life-modelling. I’ve told them to pencil me in.

115. I like to chill out by the river bank with mobile internet and a list of spam email identities. For relaxation, you can’t beat phishing.

116. Smacked a bat off a burglar’s head. Ended up being charged. How was I to know the bat was endangered?

117. Just bought a new anti-ageing device. Well, a gun.

118. I never thought TV violence was a problem until one of them stamped on me in their high heels.

119. Exhausted after a spin session at the gym. Burnt 1000 calories writing up carefully manipulated employment figures.

120. The first rule of Trappist Monk Club is that you do not talk about Trappist Monk Club.

121. There was a strike at my uncle’s work last week. The fact he mentioned it shows how shit their customers really are at ten-pin bowling.

122. My brother’s been posted to Afghanistan. Which is a sign that the army transport budget has really been slashed.

123. Had a lovely time in Beijing. Visited the Forbidden City. And the Forbidden Polling Booth. And the Forbidden Google.

124. My uncle would always touch my brother before me. Do you know what that does to a kid? Growing up 2nd fiddle?

125. My uncle’s a linesman. Well, cocaine addict.

126. Never heckle a vet. Great at put-downs.

127. Mate’s just been busted for smoking skunk. RSPCA went mental.

128. Someone told me Abu Hamza had been seen snorting coke on the Titanic. I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

129. I’ve just punched some information into my personal organiser. Unfortunately they’ve complained to HR.

130. Had sex with a model last night. Admittedly the wings snapped off but you can still tell it’s a spitfire.

131. A woman in the old folks home I work at’s never used any moisturiser on her body. Tell you what, cracking tits.

132. My documentary about chronic tiredness went down well at the US TV awards. Won an M.E. award.

133. Prince Charles is continually surprised to turn on the One Show and find it’s not about him.

134. Walking down the aisle is the happiest day of many plane hijackers lives.

135. When I tell people my girlfriend has a fur coat they’re disgusted. Next they’ll be saying it’s wrong that I’m fucking a badger.

136. I hate it when camels spit. Though I should probably be grateful to be getting a blow job in the desert at all.

137. I remember trying to get a tune out of a triangle in music class. The teacher had lost a cough sweet up there and I had small hands.

138. Girlfriend’s got a gash in her knee. I blame Chernobyl.

139. Strained knee ligaments last night. I’m not sure about this cannibal recipe book.

140. I told Gran that when the Asda staff ask if she’d like a bag for life, saying “got one” and showing off her colostomy is a bit much.

141. “We shall overcome!” The motto of committed oyster eaters.

142. Positive thinkers never look back, and consequently never pass their driving test.

143. Mate said he’d give me a hand. I’m lucky to know the head of correction in a Saudi Arabian prison.

144. Heard an American woman talking about her baby sucking on a pacifier. UN negotiator or not, the guy should be prosecuted.

145. I was facing the sack at work. Still, that’s life as a rentboy.

146. Sexists are bad because they discriminate by sex, racists because they discriminate by race, and rapists because they only like early NWA and hate MC Hammer fans?

147. My gay bees aren’t well. They’ve come out in hives.

148. Just seen gypsy clutching their hand in agony, while the Lone Ranger was yelling “But you SAID cross my palm with Silver!”

149. Teacher told me to go to the top of the class. So I employed his family as servants then started shagging my own cousin.

150. Doing a profile of a serial killer today. Then a couple of shots of him with the family. You can’t be picky in the photography business.

151. If I can give one reason not to sleep with a virgin, it’s the awkwardness of her sniffing your arse when you suggest doggie style.

151. My girlfriend’s a reconstructive surgeon. She completes me.

152. The doctors told me I wouldn’t make progress unless I took steps. I’ve got a gun to H’s head and I’ve issued my demands to Faye.

153. Spent last night lying in bed, watching Friends. They went mental when they noticed me.

154. In protest against the EU I always shop in Imperial measurements. I’ve just bought a Death Star of grapes.

155. I had a job branding cattle. I suggested renaming them Kattle, painting them blue, and planting rumours of an affair with Jordan.

156. I disagree with labelling people. Which led to my dismissal from the mortuary.

157. Girlfriend’s a drug dealer and a self-harmer. She cuts herself with talc.

158. I was eating Eve’s pudding yesterday. She came.

159. Growing up, it was very important for me to have Faith. Because all my mates had already shagged her.

160. Pricked my finger on Holly. She had a clit piercing.

161. I’ve got a medallion made of Jade. I turned the rest of her into a lampshade.

162. I’m a big fan of Sheila’s wheels. I’ve got a fetish for disabled Australian women.

163. I enjoyed myself in Summer. But she’s got a new boyfriend now.

164. I’ve never liked the taste of Basil. He was a friend of the family.

165. I tried sniffing poppers at a party once. Then my mate pulled the string and the coloured paper went right up my nose.

166. Couple of 10 year-olds just asked if I’d sponsor them. Quite an upsetting meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

167. Told my mate my girlfriend wants to name our kid after Jarvis. “Cocker?” Well she’s pregnant isn’t she?

168. Told my australian niece to go and play with a barbie. Burnt her face off.

169. The smell of Heather always reminds me of the Highlands. Because that was where I first fingered her.

170. What do you get for the person who has everything? An appointment at the clinic.

171. Just been in a really crazy jam session with the band. One more spoonful and our diabetic drummer would have been in a coma.

172. Got a holepunch at work today. I suppose that’s what happens when you bend over in front of one of the more violent psychiatric patients.

173. Was buying Vanilla Ice’s Greatest Hits as a present. Asked the guy to wrap it. He said “Alright stop! Collaborate and listen…”

174. I changed all the locks when my girlfriend moved out. We lived on a barge. The canal authorities went apeshit.

175. Politeness costs nothing, but Ryanair are considering a surcharge.

176. The kids in my street were playing tag yesterday. By sellotaping iPods to their ankles and screaming “You’re in breach of the curfew!”

177. Do you know what kind of people say “only God can judge me”? Ones who don’t have girlfriends.

178. I remember being wee and a paedo offering to show me their puppies in the van. Anyway, she did.

179. Many mourn, but few realise Abraham Lincoln had been loudly unwrapping boiled sweets for the previous 30 minutes.

180. Loved playing with Mask action figures when I was kid. Who says film about youth with craniodiaphyseal dysplasia isn’t a suitable toy range?

181. Released a tarantula while trying to buy tickets for the World Snooker Championship. Using the spider helps with awkward queuing.

182. Didn’t feel made very welcome when I tried to donate blood. Just kept asking where I’d got it from.

183. Guy’s just offered to sell me Everest for £1billion. Told him it was a bit steep.

184. Our Father, who art in heaven. How Tony Hart’s kids refer to him.

185. Practitioners of Chinese medicine really give me the horn. Powdered.

186. We always used jumpers for goalposts, until the police told us it was a disrespectful use of suicide victims.

187. I’m quite uninhibited sexually. Unlike the handcuffed and ball-gagged guy in my locked wardrobe.

188. Spate of killings with knitting needles. Police are waiting for a pattern to emerge.

189. Brought home a little bundle of joy from the hospital. Well, stole some morphine.

190. Many Americans are anaemicy, due to not getting irony.

191. Didn’t hand in my essay on chaos theory in time. Told the teacher I would have had it done but a butterfly flapped it’s wings in Brazil.

192. At school I hung out with the kids into bestiality, but eventually I got sick of following the herd.

193. Gangbang almost cancelled because the girls were on their period. Went ahead, but I had to pull a few strings.

194. Watching 12 Angry Men. Not the film, I just live in Glasgow and have access to a window.

195. Used to work in Data entry. I played a robot rentboy on Star Trek the Next Generation.

196. Beef jerky. One of the main symptoms of BSE.