Topical

October 2011

At war with the BBC, courting Fox TV in the US, I believe the next step is us invading Afghanistan… #Rangers

Marvin from The Scheme is enraged by his ex Dayna having a lesbian relationship? He’s in prison. He’s in the right place to get back at her.

Actress sues Amazon for revealing her age on IMDB as it may affect job offers. 45 year-old Dakota Fanning is said to be furious.

BAA to sell Edinburgh Airport. “…and comes complete with it’s own tramline (ornamental).”

Remember that DVD you lent to a mate? #TakeBackWallStreet

Remember, if you are going to go for a fish pedicure – rubber up.

Happy Birthday John & Edward, they really broke the mould after you two. They being the angry mob who stormed Louis Walsh’s laboratory.

I think Lennon saying Samaras could get him the sack overlooked the efforts of the rest of the Celtic squad.

Interesting to see if Majstorovic’s performance is improved by the appointment of Celtic’s new defence adviser, Adam Werritty.

Being a journo sent to cover the discovery of radioactive particles must raise questions over your popularity in the office.

Fiery Irn Bru, chilli cupcakes from Greggs… the UK public will always find a way round rises in heating costs.

Liam Fox quitting to spend more time with his advisers.

Just seen headline “Do you have what it takes to impress Jessie J?” on BBC site. I don’t. Costume dept of 60s Batman TV show probably did.

I wonder how long that Montenegro player will have to leave it before he can safely wink now? The tabloids will be watching.

“Dundee drug mule had £10,500 of heroin stashed inside body”. What a grim way for Tayside kids to get into playing with piñatas.

“Jackson did not cause own death”. A bit insulting to downplay what he was doing for the last 20 years of his life, he gave it a good go.

I have a dream…of Scotland qualifying for a major tournament, and the fans taking a tram to Edinburgh airport to get there.

Steven Fletcher’s probably watching in a tapas restaurant in Wolverhampton, drinking San Miguel and cuddling a toy donkey…

Don’t Spain get bored with this? Isn’t there a moment where one of them goes “Fuck it. Let’s pump it long, eh?”

82% possession for Spain. Another 18% and we need to be exorcised.

I hope for Ukraine’s sake that the #Tymoshenko verdict is only allowed to stand for long enough to produce a film called “Milf Prison”.

The Scheme’s Dayna evicted from council flat for smoking heroin. Told them she was “just testing it” for a friend. Perhaps get a microscope.

Darren Fletcher wants this Scotland team to go down in history. Which sounds like the plot of a time-travel porno.

Political correctness gone mad. First they ban “take your best man to work day”, the next thing it’ll be “no strippers at NATO conferences”.

Cameron announces Fox has his full confidence, after asking Sam’s matron of honour for advice on how to deal with the situation.

Danny Cipriani’s been with Kelly Brook, Imogen Thomas, and Jordan? Is he trying to complete Nuts magazine like a Panini sticker album?

Jordan was at Thorpe Park with Danny Cipriani. She can’t be that exciting a ride though, not if Peter Andre was tall enough to get on.

Apparently Rod Stewart is to spill all in his autobiography. Surely a bit conceited to have a wank over your own book?

That pub landlady thinks she’s doing well over the football decision. Wait until she sees how much she makes screening Albanian babestation.

Hope Steve McLaren goes to Celtic. Not because I’m wishing ill on them, I just really want to hear his Glaswegian accent.

At least one area of the jobs market is booming. The Greek-language department of Ocean Finance’s call centres.

May 2011

Iain Gray’s going to keep his seat. If Jim Devine’s doing the counting…

Iain Gray says allied tanks have not penetrated Baghdad’s defences and Saddam is safe.

Iain Gray facing backlash from Quiznos fans?

#obl topping the Twitter Trending Topics. Though if he had a sister with a nicer arse it would be a different story.

Buried at sea?! So now we’ll have to look forward to 50 years of ‘sightings’ of him living it up in Argentina with Hitler?

Scottish Leaders Debate being held in Perth yet nobody’s commented on great cost-cutting example of St Johnstone this season? Huge savings on goal bonuses.

April 2011

Why do mums go to Iceland? To avoid Iain Gray & Alex Salmond.

BBC News: “Chimps give birth like humans.” Purely with a view to appearing on Jeremy Kyle.

Men worried by heavy porn use – BBC News site. “What do I do once I complete Pornhub? Do I unlock a bonus level?”

If religion is the opiate of the masses, a look at the news would suggest there’s a very bad batch doing the rounds.

Nervous end to season for Gers fans. Can’t afford to miss a match. We all want to tell grandkids we were there day Salim Kerkar got a game.

Grazie molto, bella. Here is the £53,000. Don’t tell a soul. #ThingsNotToSayAfterSex

On reaching space, Gagarin was confronted by an angry Gillian Duffy, demanding to know where all these Eastern Europeans were coming from.

Viewers disgusted by animal cruelty on BBC1 Scotland documentary. “Animals dying…and we never even had a chance to put a bet on?!”

Sir Sean on Salmond: “Alex is head & shoulders above every politician…not just in Scotland but the UK”. Yup, imagine if he had a neck too!

Celtic advise Anthony Stokes to avoid troublespots. Pubs, nightclubs, mum & dad’s house.

Keys & Gray gutted Gary Neville didn’t join Sky last season. He’d have organised a strike for them.

Edinburgh Zoo are charging £100 to put down beavers. For £15 I’m prepared to frown a little bit and suggest a trim before I go down.

As Sci-Fi writers have been warning us for years, eventually call-centre staff will become sentient and launch an X-Factor betting scam.

Chelsea are amazing. The club that makes Chris Sutton on a par with Andriy Shevchenko & Fernando Torres.

Coca-Cola drop Rooney. Now the only Croxteth-born male not selling coke.

Fair play to Berlusconi, apparently made 53 calls to 17yr old girl. If he can put up with that much Justin Bieber chat he deserves a shag.

Stone Roses to reunite. Nothing buries artistic differences like a credit crunch.

“I thought it would be more countryside”, Jordan on Buenos Aires, population 13m. “We thought she would be a natural beauty”, residents of Buenos Aires.

Prostitutes’ prices are complicated these days aren’t they? £30 for a wank, £40 a blow job, £100k p.a. to be an Italian cabinet minister.

All this talk of policing at the G20 Riots… you can’t imagine how proud people in Maryhill are, imagining a riot’s been named after them.

Scouts are to be given sex education? I thought it was cubs that followed beavers?

Maybe Oliver Letwin’s a Sheffield Wednesday fan? In that he’ll be dodging blades in Sheffield from now on…

UN intervene in Ivory Coast. Four months later than they would have in a country called the Oil Coast.

Clegg pledges to end nepotism. By turning friends and family against him.

March 2011

US-based Alan Cumming joins Sir Sean in backing SNP. Wonder, if SNP lose will they both leave Scotland? Oh…

Michelle Mone’s been the victim of fraud. Like millions of men who first met their partners while they were wearing her bras.

Following reciprocal agreement with the Japanese government, the fallout from this season’s Old Firm games has now reached Japan.

“I remember in the 80s when I was a teacher and young people felt there was no opportunity for them” Shit at teaching too Iain? (Iain Gray, Scottish leaders debate)

Fukushima radiation brings terror to Glasgow. “It’s from Japan? Stay away from it, it might be healthy!”

Traces of Fukushima radiation found in Glasgow? Scots rejoice at new excuse. “The fags & booze, doc? Nah, must be the Japanese radiation.”

Prince Harry joins Arctic mission? At least send him to Mars and give him a chance in the camouflage stakes.

Scotland fans react angrily to suggestions we’ve ever touched fruit.

Neymar believes he was abused by the Tartan Army. Thousands of fountains across the world think he got off lightly.

Mario Balotelli – maybe Man City should bin the sports psychologists and bring in Supernanny?

Brazilians welcome at Wembley. Not just today, but for as long as John Terry is England captain.

Wales getting stuffed. Also the title of the mobile video filmed tonight after William’s cuffed naked to a lamppost.

William’s Stag do today. Going to be embarrassing when the stripper turns up and they realise how strapped for cash Auntie Sarah really is.

Allan McGregor set to face line-up of 11 Brazilians? Leah’s not going to be happy.

Dear Paul Whitehouse, Russ Abbot wants his Scottish accent back.

Apparently singles are only going to be available online soon? Match and Plentyoffish have really cornered the market.

Samaras fined for using phone while driving. Quite safe. Celtic fans could have assured the police that he never makes an impact…

Glasgow Gran evicted to make way for Commonwealth Games. Keeping up Commonwealth traditions, we also took her gold and enslaved her family.

70 cops versus a pissed off Glasgow granny? She’ll probably be a bit insulted that they didn’t call for back-up.

After Liz Taylor, just Bubbles & Culkin to go and heaven will be getting a ferris wheel, a roller coaster, and occasional police raids.

RIP Liz Taylor. She wins her death race with Zsa Zsa Gabor and has first shot at getting God to marry her.

UN authorise “no interview zone” around Anthony Stokes’ dad.

Church leaders in Scotland calling for a “showcase League Cup final”, free from prejudice. Homosexuals calling on church leaders for showcase sermons.

Ferdinand or Terry? I mean both lead by example. You only have to look at the number of England players injured or involved in sex scandals.

It’s quite a worrying thought that Charlie Sheen’s drug rehab probably includes therapy to try to build up his self-esteem.

Feb 2011

Gaga? Jessie J? I remember when female pop stars still dressed with a view to making heterosexual men stare at them.

Just seen #Gaddafi holding a mop and bucket in #Libya. Says he’s only on house number 7 and his knees and elbows are killing him.

Wayne Rooney blackmailed over pics of him with baby Kai. Papers wouldn’t print them anyway. Too long to work out who’s who for the captions.

Apparently William’s stag do is going to involve watersports. Suggesting Harry’s booked a stripper with quite a broad range of services.

If Gaddafi does get booted out as President of Libya, who’ll employ his all-female personal bodyguard team? Over to you Silvio…

Realised #Gaddafi was finished when I saw that umbrella. Believe next step is revitalising move to FC Twente followed by flop at Wolfsburg.

So who’ll replace #Gaddafi then? I suppose Sven will be linked.

No wonder #Gadaffi won’t leave the country. If you’d done the things he’s done, you’d be nervous of flying too.

If Gaddafi and Berlusconi both get deposed, at least they’re going to have a fucking amazing retirement party.

Amazed by protests in Libya. Best health service in the world, apparently. Look at Megrahi…

I see Berlusconi’s to face an under-age sex trial. I’m confident he’ll get through it and be offered a full-time contract.

81year-old Hosni Mubarak forced out of power in Egypt to mass acclaim. BBC Execs look on enviously, wishing Countryfile was filmed in Egypt.

Women protest in Italy against Berlusconi. I anticipate a reaction of “Ah, ladies. Has anyone told you you’re beautiful when you’re angry?”

Cameron announces Downing Street kitchen to stop putting Yakult & Actimel next to each to other in fridge. Says multiculturalism has failed.

RIP Maria Schneider. Nobody inspired more women to become vegans.

Gary Neville – only player not to be invited to his own retirement party? Which is being held at Anfield.

If Neville retires because he can’t play as many games as he used to…will Owen Hargreaves ever retire? What’s less than none?

All for Arab democracy movement if it gets “Wind of Change” back in charts. Merest hint of Hasselhoff “Looking For Freedom” and I’m out though.

Arab democracy? This would never have happened under Jim McLean.

Fletcher quits Scotland. Refreshing to hear Premiership footballer pulling out of something without the words “So you don’t get pregnant.”

I’m not sure switching off the internet did Mubarak any favours. Stopping people wanking tends to aggravate a situation.

Now we’ve got Diouf, It’s a pity Celtic couldn’t get Craig Bellamy back on loan. The next Old Firm game could have taken place in a cage.

Mrs Nolan: “Don’t care if he is your mate Kevin! If he’s worth £35m he can afford to pay a bit more rent!”

Jan 2011

Keys & Gray replaced by the tailors from The Fast Show.

Tommy Sheridan to testify that Richard Keys & Andy Gray didn’t say those things, Murdoch faked the video.

Gail will be baking Tommy a cake with a file in it. And eyebrow pluckers, bottle of fake tan…

On the plus side, if anybody’s going to be sentenced to 3 years in prison – who’s got more in the wank bank than Tommy Sheridan?

Gail says Tommy will be back stronger? Well, yes, prisons do have gyms.

Aaaahh, Tommy Sheridan’s entered the DOCK this morning. I thought he’d started shagging a GP.

Andy Gray’s been up all night. Fiddling with his Sky+ remote, trying to rewind his life back to November.

I suppose Andy Gray & Richard Keys would argue they can’t be punished for offside comments as they were inactive at the time…

SPL in ‘more competitive than La Liga’ shock.

Andy Coulson, the Derek Acorah of the political world. Goes amidst frenzied speculation that it was him doing the tapping all along.

Miliband changes Balls more often than Fifa.

Elle McPherson flew into Glasgow Airport yesterday, not the first time the papers have printed “the body was found in Glasgow…”.

I hope Jermaine Pennant’s not into bondage. Otherwise there’s probably the skeleton of a forgotten WAG handcuffed to the bed in his villa.

Kris Boyd’s been linked with a move to Terek Grozny? Is Chechnya a wise place to be if you’re no good at running?

Elton John & David Furnish don’t know who’s the Dad as they both “contributed”. Not an Elton mash-up mix I want to imagine.

Intrigued to find out how New York Cosmos are going to pay the wages of leading anti-bank anarcho-warrior Cantona. By wheelbarrow into his mattress?

I can only assume somebody told Darren Bent it should be every player’s ambition to win a championship, but he heard “the” and not “a”.

Difficult for Alex Reid to outcool Amir Khan. Fighting’s like dancing. If you’re doing it in a cage, mainstream success may not be for you.

Strange to imagine Kenny Miller in Florence. It would certainly be the darkest episode of the Magic Roundabout.

Knowsley Safari Park safety advice: Please keep car windows up. The stench of death is overpowering.

Knowsley Safari Park – terrible park but GREAT on-site kebab shop.

Don’t worry Liverpool fans, I’ve seen this film before. Eventually you get relegated but Chris Hughton gets you back up first season

“You’ll Never Walk Alone”, Liverpool fans describe Carrick’s prognosis had Gerrard made any more contact.

Dalglish v Fergie is a sports journo’s dream! Until they try to interview them.

Cool, Dalglish in at Liverpool as a stop-gap until he can appoint John Barnes.

I see “Men abusing white girls” is trending. Eastenders have come up with their replacement big storyline then?

BBC bow to pressure and agree to end baby storyline. Next episode – Pam Ewing emerges from shower to announce she dreamt Eastenders.

Poor Katie Waissel’s gran. Apparently it’s ok to sell your soul to SyCo, just not your hole to psychos.

Avram Grant calls West Ham’s 5-0 defeat bad day at the office. For many people, getting pumped would be a very good day at the office.

“Cheryl & Derek have fought to keep their romance secret” in much the same way that Wikileaks have fought to keep US defence policy secret.

Holly Willoughby’s having a girl. Disappointingly this turned out to be a story about her pregnancy.

Saw the term “Essex socialite” in the tabloids today. After further research, it turns out this isn’t a euphemistic term for a rapist.

2000000 dead fish found in USA? I have an image of the country of Iceland muttering about their stash being found and stomping off to bed.

Iran have shot down two “Western drones”. I’ve got my fingers crossed for James Corden & Lenny Henry.

Games Workshop shares fall 18%. They must now roll double-six for increased financial stability.

Blatter to consider change to points for 2014 World Cup. 1pt for draw, 3pts for win, 4pts for win by 3+ goals, & 5pts for a brown envelope

December 2010

I’m hoping Israel qualify for Qatar 2022 and select an all-gay squad. I’m looking forward to Blatter’s press conferences on the matter.

Easyjet have announced flights to Jordan. Which presumably confirms that she has a landing strip.

Asked if my abacus will be delivered in time for Christmas. Told to count on it.

If a pipe bursts in the Wikileaks HQ, what do they call it?

Saturday’s match at Ibrox is off due to a burst pipe. I’m assuming it’s Allan McGregor’s.

Swine Flu’s back, but I’m not sure it’ll ever really become big in Britain without Simon Cowell’s backing.

Charlie Sheen won’t be charged over naked porn star locked in his wardrobe. Apparently he had a loyalty card and this was his 5th time.

I’m confident Motherwell’s Steve Jennings can bounce back from these allegations to win the UK Snooker Championship.

Nurse at Wishaw Hospital has got a tattoo of the Buckfast logo. If she works in A&E I suppose Buckie is keeping her in a job.

Good day for Real Madrid. Sam already said he could win everything managing them and now they don’t even have to pay Blackburn compensation!

Allardyce leaves Blackburn and is immediately offered a new position. Kneeling in front of Sir Alex…

Watching Carlito’s Way. I’m up to the bit where Pacino signs a five year deal, then says he’s homesick and asks for a transfer. To Spain.

I’m not a fan of the English Defence League. They just sound a lot less committed to free flowing football than the Premiership.

Tevez is a Boca fan, right? So he’ll be off to River Plate then.

Aberdeen fans forced the removal of Transport Minister Stewart Stevenson for ensuring that day’s game v Hearts went ahead.

Scottish Transport Minister’s resigned. Taxi for Stewart Stevenson! What – an hour’s wait for it? Problems with the roads…? Oh.

Camilla jabbed with stick during student protest. Lucky she didn’t break her leg, they’d have had to…ach, u know where that joke’s going.

Nick Clegg apologises for going back on his word, then agrees a deal to be the new Aberdeen manager.

At least this winter’s caused a backlash from Scots against text speak. Mainly caused by the difficulty of looking up Twitter for M8 news.

If the government promise that the students’ repayments will go directly to wikileaks, does all this go away?

There’s no point attacking Charles & Camilla’s car. We know you’re angry about it but they’re not the ones who appointed Pardew!

Momentary terror for Gazza before his lawyer explained that a suspended sentence didn’t involve hanging.

According to The Sun, Matt Cardle’s been shagging the girl who powders his face before X-Factor performances. They must have great make-up sex.

OAPs! Beware people turning up over winter & confusing you by repeating the same thing over and over until you give in. Sadly, the warning has come too late for Craig Brown.

Nigella on BBC2 and Kirstie Allsopp on Channel 4. Men of a certain age die a little bit inside as their wives switch on the live episode of Coronation Street instead

Good news: the army cleared the snow from the streets of Edinburgh! Bad news: 5 of them were killed by American ‘friendly sweeping’.

Megrahi on life support. He’d be happy to pull out the wires and die but it’s so long since his training that he can’t remember if it’s the blue wire or the red one…

ITV have taken on a private security firm to combat a feared Al Qaeda threat to tonight’s live Coronation Street episode. Salford bouncer v Jihadist. Best Deadliest Warrior episode ever!

Gavin Henson says he’ll use his dancing skills to get a girlfriend. Which I think overlooks the rohypnol-like quality of his personality.

Anyone who sent a CV to Newcastle Utd saying they won the Premiership on Championship Manager are now thinking “Shit! I should have said I got sacked by Southampton!”

Scottish kids have slipped further down the world table for maths. Making it even more difficult for them to count their dads.

Donald Trump fights plans for a wind farm beside his Scottish golf development. Understandable. That’s not the hairstyle of a man in favour of wind turbines.

Hmm. Just switched on TV and I see somebody’s dressed up the corpse of Herve Villechaize as Cheryl Cole. They’re calling it Cher?

I’d like to see Spanish Air Traffic Controllers replaced by Dungeons&Dragons enhusiasts. “You roll 6 so the Alitalia from Rome lands next”.

Writing a new Bond film based on the Lib Dem Russian spy story. I’m up to page 107, Bond & Charles Kennedy yet to make it out of the bar.

BBC play things safe by moving Marr & Naughtie to the Gaelic dept to work on Cunntas.

Mixed day for Michael Ricketts. One the one hand, arrested on suspicion of assault. On the other, The Sun describe him as an “England ace”.

Blimey. Mike Ashley’s got rid of more messiahs than the Romans.

Mike Ashley – are you Vladimir Romanov in disguise? And by disguise, yes, I do mean a fatsuit.

Oh well, at least last year’s MOTD showed Pardew has the vocabulary to comment on what Mike Ashley’s done to Newcastle United.

Rape charges + tv presenter = bad. Rape charges + official document leaker = hero. John Leslie’s breaking into the MOD even as I type this…

September 2010

Patients – why not avoid illness by having the Pakistani cricket team fix your test results?

Apparently the News of the World originally employed a Glaswegian to tap phones for them. Just went round borrowing phones from people.

Rooney may be up shit creek without a paddle. But at least he knows how to get his hands on a couple of oars.

How can Ricky Hatton snort coke? Doesn’t he know how dangerous it is for his body…oh.

When boxers snort coke, do they have to do it through those curly straws so they fit up their multi-broken noses?

Miracle the Pope’s visit happened at all. Hard to sort arrangements via email when all his advisers are posing as 14 year old girls.

Looking at this backstage pass for the Papal Mass. Can’t even spell areas! “Access all Aryans”…?

Papal ban on condoms is dangerous. Think of all those poor drug traffickers suffering overdoses as a result.

August 2010

Maybe If Celtic tell Uefa they’re agoraphobic they’ll let them play all their games at home?

When we (Rangers fans) used to sing “you can stick your Kenny Miller up your arse” we just meant, y’know, to keep him safe.

England must wish they’d been playing on the Indian subcontinent. They find it far easier to get the runs there.

My brother’s just been posted to Afghanistan. Which is a sign that those cuts have really hit the army’s transport budget.

Russian dominatrix had to cut short our appointment because her whip broke. Damn these crop failures.

Exhausted after a spin session at the gym. Burnt 1000 calories writing up carefully manipulated employment figures.

Beckham thanks Capello for everything he’s done for England but thinks he may be a little old…

When Bellamy says he could retire…does he just mean he’s already anticipating the length of ban he’d get for decking Mancini?

July 2010

Danny Wilson missed Rangers trip to Australia to sign for Liverpool. Hard to say which destination offered more convicts

Nick Griffin set for Palace”. I knew George Burley was a dodgy manager but surely this is the worst signing ever…?

Star Wars Ewok figure collector Muttiah Muralitharan has claimed his 800th Wicket!

To defuse any Raoul Moat ‘hero status’, newsreaders should be forced to refer to him as “Duncan Norvel tribute act, Raoul ‘Chase me!’ Moat”.

Griffin to attend Royal Garden Party at Buckingham Palace. Philip’s “I agree with Nick” T-Shirt already being ironed.

Ray Mears helped Northumbria Police look for Raoul Moat. Meanwhile Bear Grylls was searching the Ritz, the Savoy, and Claridges for him.

Astronomers detect ‘monster star’. That’s nothing. Oksana Grigorieva gets calls from him.

I’ve just read that Jennifer Aniston launched her scent at Harrods. Which does make her sound like a skunk startled by a shop assistant.

United Biscuits for sale. Perhaps the Glazers will look to complete the brand portfolio?

Sunderland fans appear to have told Steve Bruce that Titus Bramble’s a legend, but they obviously didn’t clarify why…

Can’t believe she feared Gary’s sons would hate her. If Danielle Lineker was my stepmum I’d still be breastfeeding.

Once the Red Arrows are eventually replaced with drones too, working at the MOD will be like the best Scalextric ever.

I suppose Cameron could have picked a worse Hanks film to start a fanclub for. Nobody wants to live in a Turner & Hooch Society. #bigsociety

C4 leading way on Zac Goldsmith election expenses story. Hard for the BBC to criticise overspending on a publicity campaign after Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show.

You’d think given her family, Paris Hilton could get a hotel room rather than have to keep finding cells to stay the night in.

Ad companies get carried away using social networking to gauge public opinion. As the Raoul Moat Flora tubs and memorial fountain tell us.

“No release for Yorkshire Ripper” – We’re cutting off his hands?

Robbie Williams has taken the first important step towards leaving Take That again.

Watched Come Dine With Me tonight. I never knew Courtney Cox had been in a fire. Oh, no, Janice Dickinson, my mistake.

It’ll be nice for Emile when he weds Chantelle Tagoe. It’ll make a change to hear “Mrs Heskey” instead of “Heskey misses”…

To be fair, Heskey was good at bringing others into the game. The ballboys, the crowd, whoever was closest to his shots…

ACDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ suggested as new American alphabet.

Hopefully in gratitude Polanski will restrict himself to inserting his penis into the holes in Swiss cheese. MATURE Swiss cheese.

Would have been good if Gazza’d turned up at the World Cup, said he was mates with van Bommel, and tried to calm him down.

Cheryl Cole – boosting Malaria charities and destroying Tanzanian tourism since 2010.

At least if Five Bellies had turned up at the Raoul Moat stand-off instead of Gazza…he wouldn’t have needed a bulletproof vest.

Paul Gascoigne Catering Co can take care of all your needs from crisps to roast dinners. Be it a wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or armed stand-off.

If Sony own the rights to any Raoul Moat music, now would be the time to release it.

Apparently Raoul Moat may be suffering from “roid rage”. So perhaps he’ll give himself up in return for some Preparation H?

The same way Giovanni van Bronckhorst’s semi-final strike brought back memories for me as a Rangers fan, Forlan’s goal brought back no memories for Man Utd fans.

How unlucky is it to spend years shagging Ashley Cole and not catch anything, but then you get bitten by one mosquito…

It would appear that the Old Firm are joining the English Championship. Player by player.

At least if the Germans are defeated & disgraced today, the Argentinians can sort them out with new identities & a safe haven.

Haven’t been following Wimbledon but saw Andy Murray interviewed. He’s either just made the semis or he went out in the 1st round. I can’t tell from his face.